Adolescence can be a difficult time for young people. However, parenting a teenager can also be a confusing, draining and anxiety-provoking time for parents

Many parents feel like they are walking on eggshells, riding a never-ending roller-coaster of emotions, or trying to keep up with an everchanging set of rules, opinions and preferences which they don’t fully understand. Some parents feel lost and confused, often feeling like their previously warm and well-adjusted tween has transformed overnight into someone they feel like they don’t really know.

It can challenge for parents to know how to respond to a young person who, at times, is rude, difficult, and unreasonable but at the same time very loving, compassionate and vulnerable. Here are some practical tips that may help when parenting an adolescent or young person.

1. Maintaining a connection – Connection can look very different during the adolescent years to what it is like with a younger child. We know that young people need ongoing support, but they also need time and space to find out who they are. It can be hard to know when it is best to give them space or when they need us. Asking young people in a calm and simple way is often a good first step, something like “What is something helpful I can do when you are feeling down?” or “Are there things that you would like me to start/ stop doing when you are anxious?”. Young people may be dismissive when you ask these things, however it can help to begin the conversation with open questions and let your child know that you would like to learn from them and work as a team. Also be mindful that these conversations may look like very short ‘chats’ , single word responses or even text messages- that is ok! Young people will often prefer these short exchanges to lengthy or emotive conversations. These short exchanges let your child know you are there to support them and that you are open to their opinions and suggestions.   Also remember that the time they want to connect may not be the best times for you but sometimes being available when they want to connect with you can be extremely important.
2. Staying calm and grounded through the chaos- “through it all I am here” : During adolescence, your teenager’s brain is undergoing immense change and their bodies are flooded with hormones- this creates instability in all aspects of their lives, including their ideas, and values and friendships. Through this, young people need their parents or caregivers to be a stable anchor. They need you to continue to be calm and compassionate with them even when things are very stressful and messy.
3. Listen rather than talk: All parents want to continue to guide and support their teenager as they mature. However young people can sometimes resist this guidance or perceive advice as ‘lecturing’ or ‘being told what to do’. This can create friction between young people and their parents and can mean that communication breaks down. It is important to remember that your impact on your teenager’s decision-making changes as they age. This can feel very difficult and scary. Instead of directing or making decisions for your child, your role shifts to what Eli Hardwood calls a ‘consultant’. This means that you can offer your thoughts, ideas, and suggestions to your teenager, or be part of the conversation, rather than telling them what they ‘should’ or ‘need’ to do. As a consultant, you need to be comfortable with the idea that your adolescent or young adult child, is becoming independent, and therefore you need to be ok to make their own decisions, even if you disagree with them. This can be very hard, especially when you feel like your child is making a poor decision or one which they will later regret. It is important to not allow these fears to impact on your parenting. If you are not a consultant for your teenager, and become forceful or authoritarian, your adolescent child will likely exclude you from their decision-making all-together, which is a situation that is very stressful for both young people and their parents. ¹
4. Be respectful (even when they might not be!) Positive relationships between parents and their teenagers are based on parents continuing to model respect of their child’s perspectives, beliefs, and ideas, even during difficult times. Young people are beginning to form their own ideas and values which is often confusing and stressful. In your interactions with your teenager. Your wiliness to continue to treat their ideas and opinions with respect, even when these ideas change or differ from your own, allows your child to feel safe with you. This is particularly important (and hard to do!) if your child confesses to doing something that is unsafe or unwise. Despite the feelings you may have about what they tell you, it is important to continue to be open and respectful in your communication with your young person and ask questions rather than lecture them- as Dr Justin Coulson suggests try to be ‘curious instead of furious’ ²
5. Firm but warm: Young people need boundaries, but they also need flexibility. As much as possible listen to your teenager and give them chances- they will make mistakes, get things wrong and break the rules- this is all part of learning. When this happens, it is important to address this and implement consequences- but equally important is to do this in a warm and supportive way.

Elizabeth Byron

Clinical Psychologist

¹ Raising Securely Attached Kids: Using Connection-Focused Parenting to Create Confidence, Empathy, and Resilience by Eli Harwood, 2024.

² Dr Justin Coulson, Understanding Children’s Perceptions of Fairness https://happyfamilies.com.au/articles/everyone-else-can-do-it-why-cant-i