Parenting – the good, the bad and the “good enough”

Parenting is by far one of the greatest responsibilities in life. It can be the most rewarding, humbling, and challenging experience all at once. Most parents want to get this parenting gig right and feel a lot of guilt of they don’t feel they are not doing a great job. An older parent once told me “I wish I had an instruction manual for raising kids. I wouldn’t have made so many mistakes if I did.”

The internet is flooded with what parents should and should not do. Many parents trying to do their best, ask Dr Google for some tips and tricks on how to get it right.  There are lots of “instruction manuals” on how to parent. Scientific research is at an all-time high and information is readily available in the palm of our hands.

One parenting style that seems to be popular is “gentle parenting”. There are many “professionals” on social media advocating these methods. Gentle parenting is based on emotion coaching principles. Parents aim to be attuned to the emotional needs of their children and respond in a way that meets these needs whilst remaining calm. I am a firm believer in emotion coaching strategies because they help build emotionally intelligent children who go on to have more success at school, with peers, in relationships and at work. So, whilst gentle parenting is great, the way it is communicated on online platforms can make parents feel like they are damaging their children if they are not calm and in tune with their needs all the time. This puts a lot of pressure on parents and creates feelings of guilt and anxiety.

So, although emotion coaching is an important and essential parenting tool, it is not realistic to do this all the time. After all, parents are also human and come with a range of their own emotions that they need to regulate. If we’re tired or stressed, it might be hard , in that moment, to be completely attuned to the emotional needs of our children. Also, it may not be appropriate to talk gently to your kids about their emotions, if they are displaying behaviours that may be putting them at risk, and what they need is for us to be setting important boundaries for them. (See Andrea Papalouizou’s blog about Time Out).

Good enough parenting

This is where the concept of “Good enough parenting” comes in. Donald Winnicott, a paediatrician and psychoanalyst in the 1950’s, researched what is needed to raise happy and healthy children. He concluded that we don’t have to be “perfect” parents all the time for our children to develop healthy attachment with us.

The research showed that to have healthy attachment with their children, “Good enough” parents spend:

1. A third of the time being very attuned to their child’s needs, understanding what they may need from the parent whether it be emotion coaching, or boundary setting. Here parents are actively helping their children learn about their emotions and behaviours in a very intentional way. Many of us strive to be in this space all the time, however, Winnicott showed that even if parents do this more than a third of the time, it does not translate to more healthy attachment.
2. A third of the time not well attuned. This may be at the time times when parents don’t know what their child wants from them. They are still figuring out why their child had the tantrum, or why they are refusing to get changed. It may also be at the times when parents are not completely attentive to their children’s needs because they are busy with other things such as getting dinner ready, or some other important household chore. Here, even though the child may not be feeling completely understood or listened to, they are learning to regulate their own emotions. Whether it be learning to be patient, or problem solving an issue they may have by themselves.
3. A third of the time not at all attuned to the child. Here parents may be reacting to their children’s behaviour, raising their voice, and generally responding in ways that are not ideal. This could be for many reasons, such as being tired and stressed or finding it hard to regulate themselves. When this happens, it is ok for to parents to debrief with their kids about it later, where the parent explains what they were feeling and can apologise if they may have said or done things that weren’t great. (Note: I am not referring to excessive discipline or abusive behaviours which would cause harm to the child).

So, I find that “Good enough parenting” can give many parents all a sense of relief. You can raise great children even though they are not always perfect or following the online advice to a tee. So be kind to yourself in this journey. It’s ok to have some time to yourself if you need it. (see post on Mindfulness by Dr Janina Szyndler for some tips).

When to seek help

It is not uncommon for parents to feel anxious or guilty on their journey.  However, for some people these feelings can be overwhelming or last a while and impact on their mood long term. Here are some of the things to look out for:

• Persistently low mood
• Difficulty enjoying things
• Withdrawing from social activities
• Low in energy or easily fatigued
• Changes to sleep or appetite
• Difficulty controlling worries
• Difficulty concentrating
• Feeling irritable
• Restless or on edge
• Feeling angry or resentful toward your child/ren

If any of these apply to you, I recommend that you see a professional to help you along your journey. We have many great psychologists at APEX who see many parents going through this.

Michelle Tanious